"Sex and the City"-Shrink Talk

HBO presents

October 04, 2000

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Brenda: I like this guy at work but whenever he pays any attention to me I freeze and get all jittery and ignore him. I don't know why I do this, I really would like to go out with him and he is interested; what should I do?

Dr. Cotsen: Brenda, that's a very good question. I think that what you're doing right now, by freezing up, certainly won't accomplish anything. So you really have nothing to lose by trying something different. I might suggest pretending that he is just another man in the workplace that you think is nice and that you would be friendly to. Then, if he is genuinely interested in you, he'll take care of taking that next step and ask you out. If an approach like this doesn't work then you may want to talk with a therapist to learn more about how you respond around men and why.

Almond Eyes: Do you think the show is showing both the pros and cons of open attitudes towards sex?

Dr. Cotsen: No, I don't. I think the show shows us the pros of taking an open attitude towards sex. But then again, isn't that the best attitude to take? I mean, we are talking about sex here, and not something truly horrible like violence. Okay, so I've admitted my own opinions on the subject. I'd be curious to hear yours.

Love: I'm in love with my best friends lover but her lover doesn't like her that--way only sometimes. And he is attracted to me. What do I do?

Dr. Cotsen: Maybe learn how to communicate in a more straightforward manner? Because I'm not sure I understand what you've just said. I'll take a guess at it, and assume that the man you're talking about is no longer sexually attracted to your best friend. But he does feel that way about you. So, what should you do? First of all, encourage the two of them to try to work out their problems and only if they can't, and they break up, then.maybe, maybe get involved with him. But even then, you should probably ask your friend if she minds.

Cally: What does the term "frenemies" mean? I read it as the title of one of the episodes.

Dr. Cotsen: It was, in fact, the title of tonight's episode, and was explained perhaps when you were in the ladies' room. But I'd be happy to repeat the explanation. A frenemy is someone who is supposed to be your friend, but turns out to be your enemy. Such as the old preppy friends of Charlotte's who ended up turning a cold shoulder to her when she wanted to talk with them about her difficulties with Trey. I'd like to also at this time say hello to Cotsenfan out there, and see if he or she has a question for me.

Cassandra: Miranda in this week's episode went out with a not nice guy, according to Carrie. I was going out with this guy for a month. And he told me he was dating around. But I like him. Then he broke up with me because I wanted to spend more time with him. He dumped me. But I want to still see him, how can I get him interested again?

Dr. Cotsen: I think you could get him interested in you again by letting him know that you'd date him on his terms. But the real question, Cassandra, is do you really want him back on those terms? I would imagine that if you are at a place in your life where you're looking to get serious with someone, and ultimately get married, then this is a man who has already told you that he's not interested in heading in that direction with you or perhaps with anybody at this point. So be careful of what you wish for. Thanks again for everybody's thoughtful questions, and for your continuing loyalty to Shrink Talk, following "Sex and the City." See you all next week.

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