"Sex and the City"-Shrink Talk

HBO presents

October 11, 2000

Page 2 of 3

Babara: Charlotte is beyond frustrated with Trey's lack of interest in a sex life. Is there anything left she can do to repair their marriage?

Dr. Perelman: Well, prior to kissing the gardener, there actually seemed to be some slow but sure progress developing in their sex lives. Certainly, had they continued in a sex therapy that was more effectively orchestrated than the few sessions depicted in television, a good prognosis for their sexual success was quite possible. In fact, I still do not rule out the possibility of them being able to get back together at some point down the road. I do think they need help from sources other than his mother and her friends.

Gloria: Do you think Charlotte's decision to separate from Trey might make him realize he needs to get help, or will it drive them further apart?

Dr. Perelman: Unfortunately, Trey's view of himself and stable position within his family of origin, however, unhealthy as it may appear to us, is actually less likely to change if Charlotte were to be out of the picture than if the two of them were more committed to making both their marriage and their sex life work. While Charlotte, with the likely encouragement of her friends, may initially move further apart from Trey, he is much less likely to do anything different but stay home with them until he decides to try going after Charlotte again. This is not to say that a decision to separate after three months of marriage, given their circumstances, was a wise one on Charlotte's part. However, it's easy to understand her frustration, not only with Trey and their sex life, but the odd family dynamics that seem to over determine his and their life.

Debra: Trey didn't seem to care that Charlotte had kissed the gardener. It's almost as if it lets him off the hook in their marriage. Do you agree?

Dr. Perelman: Actually, I don't agree at all. I think Trey was very, very upset despite his now classic, "Alrighty," when Charlotte indicated she wanted a separation when they returned to New York. Prior to this situation, we find Trey secretly masturbating in the bathroom to full-breasted women in various stages of erotic undress in what Carrie would certainly see as trashy lingerie. Instead, in this episode, we find Trey soaking wet with sweat, exertion, and the light rain in his own boxer shorts smashing tennis balls late into the night. Unfortunately, this attractive, but highly inhibited man is really incapable, at this point in time, of expressing his true feelings. Instead, he is expressing his anger and frustration as he pounds the balls into the night. I think he cares a great deal, and I don't think he feels the least bit off the hook, but instead, trapped and frustrated by his own limitations. Let's hope he can get some help to break free. He actually seems like a pretty good guy underneath, and deserving of more, other than what he has experienced of late.

Sherry: Miranda's insecurity about her looks in the face of the good-looking detective caused her to sabotage a potentially good thing. What do you recommend for women who feel this way?

Dr. Perelman: Well, Detective Steve recommended AA. While amusing and extreme in the context of Miranda, the point is worth making that if you find yourself consistently sabotaging your life's relationships through abuse or overuse of alcohol, getting some help with the substance problem is certainly an important step to take, and needs to be underscored. However, certainly, many women in our society feel insecure about their looks, in general, let alone in the face of a good looking man who every other woman in the restaurant seems to be leering at. Certainly, if Miranda were my patient, I'd be encouraging her to let him do the rejecting if rejecting was what was going to happen, rather than sabotaging the date as she did and guaranteeing his lack of availability to her. Often, group therapy is the best methodology for dealing with this particular combination of interpersonal issue interacting with insecurity or low self-esteem. Miranda had many reasons to believe that Detective Steve may have found her much more attractive and interesting than appeared to her on first blush. She needs some help appreciating those positives while learning to become more aware of how she pushes people away, in general, not just attractive policemen. Perhaps more about this another time.

Page 2 of 3