"Sex and the City"-Shrink Talk

HBO presents

October 11, 2000

Dr. Cotsen answers your questions about sex, relationships, and dating in relation to the latest episode of HBO's "Sex and the City."

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Adam Cotsen is live, ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Cotsen: Hello everybody. Hope you all enjoyed tonight's show. Things don't look good for our poor heroine tonight. Let's wish her better luck next week. But at any rate, the show must go on.

Annie: Charlotte is beyond frustrated with Trey's lack of interest in a sex life. Is there anything left she can do to repair their marriage?

Dr. Cotsen: I think yes, really. She had mentioned Viagra in a previous episode, but it doesn't sound like he ever tried it. I think it would be very much worth a try, given that he was able to get excited and erect enough to have sex with her, at least for a little while, before losing his erection before either she was satisfied or he ejaculated. All this was, of course, implied in a couple of lines of narrative a few shows ago, but it was enough for me to think that Viagra could be very helpful, and worth a try before either looking outside of her marriage for satisfaction for Charlotte, or giving up on the marriage altogether. It seems almost as if the writers of the show got a little gun shy on the topic and their coverage of it got touchier with each episode. Too bad.

Box Of Ducks: Dr Cotsen How do you go about patching up a marriage after a spouse has cheated and come back?

Dr. Cotsen: Ooooooh! I think the key thing that needs to be done is find out why that spouse cheated. There are a number of different reasons that people may have sex outside of their marriages. Often, someone will "cheat" because they're dissatisfied in their marriage, and are trying to get their needs filled elsewhere, either on a temporary basis - like Charlotte with her gardener - or perhaps trying out a new potential boyfriend that you could leave your husband for (or vice versa). It's really important for the husband and wife in these situations to process the hurt, to rebuild the trust, and to determine whether the dissatisfaction in the relationship is something that can be worked on and improved, or whether their relationship is no longer one that is fully satisfying to both partners. And in that case, it's better to face the facts so that both husband and wife can move on to find a better relationship in life for each of them.

Phyllis: Trey didn't seem to care that Charlotte had kissed the gardener. It's almost as if it lets him off the hook in their marriage. Do you agree?

Dr. Cotsen: Yes, I do. Isn't that strange? It's almost as if Trey really would prefer the companionship and lifestyle of being married to Charlotte, but a sex life which consisted only of his pornographic magazines, and which didn't consist of any pressure to make love to Charlotte. So I think you really are right that, far from being jealous, Trey saw the possibility of Charlotte having an "extracurricular" sex life as "letting him off the hook." Nonetheless, as far as what Charlotte did with the gardener, my advice to most of you ladies out there would be "Do not try this at home!" Most men would not react the way that Trey did.

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