LiveWorld Transcripts

HBO presents

Dr. Perelman
"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

October 18, 2000

Dr. Perelman answers your questions about sex, relationships and dating in relation to the season finale of HBO's "Sex and the City."

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Perelman is live, and ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Perelman: Greetings, everyone. Just a brief reminder that this last webcast of the season is for purposes of education and entertainment only. Let's have the first question, please.

Wookie Numbers: What would you suggest for newly married couples when trying for a baby--it kind of takes over your sex life?

Dr. Perelman: Part of the problem in a situation like that is typically the loss of spontaneity as ovulation kits are used to determine the exact moment where purposeful coitus may produce the desired result. It's certainly best, at least for the first six months, to enjoy your sex together and allow the pregnancy to be a pleasant, spontaneous surprise, rather than a vigorously researched determined goal. This presuming maternal age has not already become a critical factor. The older the potential mother, or the longer you have been trying, of course, you will want to take advantage of technological aids to determine ovulation in order to maximize the chance of conception. However, even in extreme situations where I'm counseling couples involved in our various fertility programs at the hospital, we try and make it a little more fun so that the man does not develop a performance pressure induced erectile dysfunction-not an uncommon outcome if the pressure of "I don't care if you are tired. We have to do it now!" becomes too predominant a theme. Sometimes, if timing really becomes critical, renting a hotel room or taking a few hours off mutually from work--essentially creating a little mini-romantic vacation, so that the importance of the pregnancy becomes manifest in taking a greater amount of time aside for both of you, rather than trying to cram (to turn a phrase) too much activity into too small a period of time. Enjoy yourselves. You will be raising a child for at least the next 25 years, or if some of what we've seen in "Sex and the City" this season is any indication, perhaps until he is skate boarding at 40.

Senator Chewie: How soon after a divorce would be 'safe' for someone to continue dating?

Dr. Perelman: Let's first suggest to change your phraseology from continue dating to begin dating again, as I am going to presume that to be the intent of your question rather than an obvious possible cause of a divorce. It's actually a very individual matter, and, in part, will depend on how long it's been since you last dated, how much dating experience the individual has had prior to this marriage, and how broad your area of interests are that involve you with other people. Certainly, it works best if you merely begin doing the activities that you most enjoy, since you will have more time on your hands than when being part of a couple. Finding like-minded people to spend time with would, hopefully, lead naturally towards the development of new friendships and dates. Most importantly, trust your own feelings, and proceed at a rate that is comfortable for you, and not how others might direct you. If the whole idea of it becomes uncomfortable, and you feel frozen with anxiety and fear, then consulting with a professional would be appropriate and helpful. Good luck.

Senator Chewie: Do you think too much emphasis is placed on the Wedding Night, especially in this day and age?

Dr. Perelman: It's actually a very interesting question, because placing too much emphasis on any given occasion, whether for sex or otherwise, tends to be problematic. Certainly, in the larger society, many people will engage in premarital sex, which gives them a comfort with each other, and which can have both a positive and negative effect on a wedding night. Certainly, within some sub-groups of the population, especially those individuals subscribing to a more conservative and traditional religious position, the wedding night may be the first time of much more explicit sexual intimacy. In that situation, one would be well advised to allow yourselves to progress sexually as you feel comfortable, which can range from a night of lovemaking to a night of cuddling and rest. In that sense, it's not necessarily too important what happens as finding, like so many areas of marriage, both at the beginning and the end, a sense of harmony and comfort with each other in how you manage the situation. But any occasion that calls for big plans…a big event can, of course, result in big disappointment, which would be unfortunate to be seen as anything more than a problem with over inflated expectations. Have fun. Sex is not only an expression of adult love in marriage. It is adult play, so have a good time.

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