Discusses sex, relationships, and dating

HBO presents

July 12, 2000

Dr. Cotsen answers your questions about sex, relationships, and dating in relation to the latest episode of HBO’s “Sex and the City.”

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Adam Cotsen is live, ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Cotsen: Hi everybody, I hope you enjoyed tonight's show!

Hewoodguy: Hello! Dr. Cotsen. I would like to know what kind of doctor you are. Thank you.

Dr. Cotsen: I am a psychiatrist, and I provide psychotherapy, mainly in the areas of relationship problems, anxiety and depression.

Florence: Hey Doc what do you think is the most important component for a successful relationship?

Dr. Cotsen: I think the most important component is just plain enjoying being with each other. Because you are going to do a whole lot of that over the course of a long-term relationship. Sizzling sex, in addition, certainly doesn't hurt. (smile)

Mrb: How do you get over your partner having an affair? It hurts so bad I don't think I can get past it.

Dr. Cotsen: Well, lots of people have affairs for various different reasons. It would be very important to get to the bottom of why your partner had an affair. Sometimes people have affairs because there is something wrong in the relationship, in which case perhaps the relationship shouldn't survive, or at least shouldn't survive without changing and improving.

Spook: What is the key to restoring trust in a relationship? I made a silly mistake which I regret - but my partner just won't let it rest. Almost 6 months have passed and I want us to move on.

Dr. Cotsen: Well, it would certainly help me to know what that silly mistake was. But, if you two have learned as much as you can from your mistakes then ultimately your partner is only hurting the relationship by obsessing about your mistake. He or she needs to look into why he or she can't leave it behind, and enjoy fresh new experiences with you.

Cc498: Why am I attracted to the wrong people? I seem to pick the ones that don't want commitment - but fall for them all the same and end up hurt?

Dr. Cotsen: I can imagine many possible reasons why you fall for these type of men. I'm guessing that you are talking about men. One possibility is that you may have grown up with men who tended to shy away from making commitments, so that you feel right at home with this type of man. Another possibility is that maybe you yourself aren't ready to commit, or are scared of commitment, and so by picking men who are gun-shy, you don't have to deal with your own commitment issue. It's hard to choose someone to be with for the rest of your life, so commitment can often be a tough issue to deal with for many of us.

Slickin24: How do you fix a relationship when all you do is fight, yet when you don't fight it's all nothing but love? But when you do fight its all the little things?

Dr. Cotsen: From the sound of your question it sounds like you're in a relationship that consists of oceans of fighting punctuated by small islands of love. I wonder whether it's really worth trying to fix such a relationship. You might want to question why you want to stay in this relationship rather than knowing when to cut your losses. And look for a new relationship.

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