Discusses sex, relationships, and dating

HBO presents

July 12, 2000

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MsBelievin: Do you think that if one partner has cheated that it will always be in the background of the relationship and what steps could we take to make us forget?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, MsBelievin, it sounds like you've developed problems trusting your partner since the cheating occurred. I don't think that forgetting is actually what you and your partner should be aiming for. I would rather suggest that you aim for learning from the unfortunate incident of the cheating, and then pushing it into the background of your relationship, but not expunging it from the history of your relationship. So, although it's not something that you will want to talk about forever on an ongoing basis, but you want to learn from the cheating incident so that you can improve the relationship, and so that the cheating is less likely to happen again in the future. It's the old saying "better to learn from history".

Chellygirl: How can I end a relationship that's just plain old blah without hurting him?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, one of the key factors would be how long has the relationship been going on between the two of you, and how deeply involved are you with him? But let's assume that you are seriously involved with him, but not married. In that case one of the least painful ways of breaking up with somebody would be the classic "it's not you, it's me” way of doing it. In that way, you talk about why you're not ready to continue with him, or to get more serious with him. Rather than pointing out things that are wrong with him that will add extra injury to him on top of the hurt of the rejection itself. Now, this method may not work if he pushes you hard to identify some shortcomings he has in your eyes and insists that he would like to know so that he can work on things, or change for you. Be very careful in responding to this kind of plea. Because if there are things about him that you don't like that you think he absolutely can't change perhaps it's best not to rub his face in these things. Nonetheless, I do think the "it's not you, it's me" method is one of the least painful. However, I would be curious to see what some of our participants tonight would suggest. Please type in your ideas, and I will be happy to discuss them.

T-rex: Dr., I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of days ago. I want us to get back together. I want to write her a letter. We do love each other but the truth is, committed relationship scare her. Should I just walk away, or write her a letter about reconciliation.

Dr. Cotsen: Writing a letter can be an excellent way to communicate when things get too heated in a relationship, for the two of you to be able to listen to each other in a patient, focused way. Of course, an email can work just as well. In your letter, which I think you should write, you may want to focus on your girlfriend's fears about a committed relationship with you, and to do your best to soothe her and reassure her about what a long-term relationship with you would be like. Who knows, maybe such a letter will win her back. But even if it doesn't, you will be able to walk away from this relationship knowing that you did everything that you possibly could do.

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