"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

HBO presents

July 19, 2000

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H2O: How do you tell someone your not interested in them anymore?

Dr. Perelman: Usually you have an opportunity to decline the next date, so that telling someone you're not interested early in a relationship merely becomes the necessity of declining invitations. If the follow-up question as to why is asked, it's typically best to gradually unfold the truth about not being interested by first suggesting that you don't think it will work out based on some actual event that may have transpired between you. Offering to become friends only works if you really want to be the other person's friend and then it's up to them. A more complicated situation arises if you're talking about breaking up an ongoing relationship of some duration. The longer the relationship, the longer the conversation about the break-up. It's likely you are attempting to also be considerate of the other person's feelings. As a tip to the women in particular, it really is better (preferred by most men) to tell him that you'd rather not go on another date (we are back to the beginning of relationships now) rather than making up excuses, leading him on, and presuming he'll get the message. You really are not sparing his feelings, but merely prolonging the discomfort for both of you. However, such suggestions are not carved in stone. What do the rest of you think?

Babycheekes: Should a woman really admit how many sexual partners she's had?

Dr. Perelman: Great question. Unfortunately, our society continues for the most part to maintain the significant double standard observed by Carrie and her friends on the show. I was discussing this very issue with one of my patients yesterday who, like our stars, is an attractive, 32-year-old single woman living in Manhattan, who I know to be quite sexually active. Sometimes she finds this both pleasurable and fulfilling, whereas in other circumstances she finds herself in situations she clearly regrets. So her number is 8, which I know does not reflect the truth, but she rationalizes it as follows - I'm old enough to have some experience, but I know that the kind of man I'm interested in marrying is not going to want a double- digit girl. I can neither endorse nor criticize her decision to mislead her current partner in the manner she has chosen. However, her reasons for doing so are certainly understandable. Generally speaking, it's not necessarily a question that requires a direct candid response. Not all questions need to be answered and, indeed, finding out why the question is being asked - what it means to the man asking it - all needs to be considered. Perhaps more importantly thinking about how you want to be able to answer a question like that for yourself (as well as others) is probably the more profound issue. How you feel is actually more important than what he thinks and what he feels. Having said that, we all need to live in the real world where the rules are not always fair, and frequently are quite hypocritical when it comes to women's sexuality. What do the rest of you think?

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