LiveWorld Transcripts

HBO presents

Dr. Michael Perelman
"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

July 26, 2000

"Sex and the City" presents Dr. Michael Perelman, who discusses, in an online interview, issues concerning sex, relationships, and dating.

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar "issues" for you? Dr. Michael Perelman is live, ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Perelman: Let's remind our audience that tonight's broadcast is not therapy, but for purposes of education. And entertainment. Let's have some questions!

Wondering: Do you find in relationships that the woman is usually the one that has to bend for there to be peace, as it were?

Dr. Perelman: I'm not sure about "bending over", but there is no question but that many women experience themselves as putting more energy into the relationship, in general, than the men in their lives once the relationship has developed into a more monogamous one. Sometimes this is a matter of perception, rather than reality. But often, because she may value the idea of a relationship more than he does she finds herself more willing to compromise to keep things more smooth and comfortable. If the disparity in both compromise and commitment is not too great this can work out. However, when surface compromise leads to underlying anger and resentment, problems in the relationship will inevitably emerge.

Soosie: The women on the show seem so promiscuous. Do you think normal everyday women are like that?

Dr. Perelman: I think Samantha in particular has an extremely robust and high frequency sex life, to the point of parody. What's most important is to be true to your own values and preferences while being aware of the consequences of your actions. Samantha obviously has had a lot of fun, but last week's program, where she found herself literally being chased from her apartment building, might well reflect not only her frequency of overnight visitors but how publicly she manages her affairs. Even for a public relations executive, it is important for women to feel free to express their own sexual desires and preferences. Our society, unfortunately, still has a strong double standard where women are judged more harshly than men for these behaviors. Indeed, the backlash against an ill-advised sexual freedom as opposed to a discerning one was reflected in the story on the New Virginity in this past Sunday's New York Times Style section. Anybody read it? What did you all think?

BachelorForLife: I am still a single man. It isn't that I don't want to be married and all that, but every time I find someone, sooner or later there is something wrong - she likes to spend money too much, she likes too eat out too much.Is there any advice to offer so that I will not stay single for life? Help!

Dr. Perelman: Sure. One device is to have a clear picture of what kind of person you are looking for as a life partner. It is indeed suspicious that, presuming you are dating enough people to have an adequate sample, that everyone turns up a loser in your eyes. Finding a balance between reasonable compromise and an unpleasant sense of settling is an important developmental task. For all this, men and women alike, if you think that perhaps you are being a bit too perfectionistic, perhaps it's time to consult with a professional to help you attain an alternative viewpoint in your decision making process for your own consideration. Good luck!

Dovela: Do you think that people with a lot of emotional baggage can go on to have healthy relationships while they are still hurting or do you think it is essential to deal with the underlying problems before having a good relationship?

Dr. Perelman: This is a great question because it's an issue so many people worry about. Am I too messed up to have a good relationship? Unfortunately, the answers are not as good and as revealing as the questions. In truth, it becomes a matter of balance. We all benefit by aspiring to improve ourselves, the more comfortable and genuinely confident we are with ourselves, the more capable we are of being intimate with another. Yet of course, there are no perfect people. And most of us benefit significantly from intimate interaction with another in helping us grow ourselves. But whether or not this one person, at this point in time, is the right one for you to work it out with, it becomes a matter of very important individual choice and decision, which you must find guidance for within yourself, or from a professional, or a dear, well-regarded friend within your own community. Of course, it goes without saying, that if you are in an intimate relationship, one must attempt to struggle with these issues with one's partner, to find resolution. Further, this is an ongoing process, which will ebb and flow over the course of time, even with the best of relationships and the healthiest of individuals.

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