"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

HBO presents

August 16, 2000

Dr. Perelman answers your questions about sex, relationships, and dating.

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Perelman is live, ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Perelman: Again, we need to remind everyone that this webcast is not therapy and is broadcast only for purposes of education and entertainment. Tonight we'll try something a little different, and have some refer answers to some of the questions so that more of you will have an opportunity to ask and obtain a response. Let's have the first question.

Wanderer: Would you consider having a phone or cyber relationship with someone else while you were married cheating? Why or why not?

Dr. Perelman: The answer for myself is no, I would not be comfortable having a cyber relationship with someone else. I would consider that a violation of a monogamous relationship boundary, unless the "relationship" was a friendship and on a casual enough basis that I would have no problem with my wife being aware of it. The key is the more you feel you need to hide something, the greater the risk of both guilt and a negative impact on your primary relationship. This does not mean, however, that lovers, and/or husbands and wives should be bound at the hip. In general, independence makes for increased self-esteem and self-respect, which is good for a relationship. Activities that foster those emotions rarely need to be hidden from one's mate.

Tyler: Miranda really enjoyed the phone sex. Is that a sign she's avoiding/escaping real intimacy?

Dr. Perelman: Not necessarily at all. In fact, in the particular situation depicted in tonight's broadcast, Miranda's enjoyment of Chicago George and phone sex was a fairly safe mechanism, not only for sexual release, but for helping her work through issues she's probably experiencing in having just ended her previous relationship with her bartender boyfriend, Steve. In this sense, she was risking herself only slightly emotionally, and in a manner that was consistent with her own values. When she learned of George's presumed telephone infidelity, to quote Carrie, she no longer was hung-up on George. Instead, she hung up on him. This would be a lesson for Carrie to pay attention to.

Cheryl: Can pre-nups break up marriages or do they strengthen them?

Dr. Perelman: It's an interesting and complex question, so let's just try answering it briefly. It is like most forms of communication--you run the risk of both best and worst case outcomes happening, sometimes for both right and wrong reasons. Problematic aspects of poor relationships can be highlighted, leading to appropriate separation. While other times, questions raised by attorneys in what is essentially an adversarial process, can create unnecessary hurt that lingers for years. What are some of the reactions of the audience to Carrie's observation that people do pre-nups all the time? How would you feel upon receiving one? Or, are you more likely to be like Miranda, a woman who says she would require one herself? Clearly, it's important for a couple approaching marriage to make sure they have reasonably clear ideas about each others' views on children, finances, religion, sex, and in-laws. These issues probably account for ninety percent of the fights married couples have. Of course, you don't always have to agree with each other, but you will certainly need to develop a mechanism for dealing with differences in perspective. That requires good communication; it doesn't necessarily require a pre-nup by any means. Interestingly, they are most common amongst older individuals who already have children from previous relationships. What are the rest of your thoughts on this complicated and provocative issue?

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