"Sex and the City" Shrink Talk

HBO presents

August 16, 2000

Dr. Cotsen answers your questions about sex, relationships, and dating.

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HBO: Welcome to Shrink Talk! Did this week's episode bring up some familiar issues for you? Dr. Adam Cotsen is live, ready to field your questions about relationships, sex and dating.

Dr. Cotsen: Let's get rolling!

Smiley: Should women always be in the drivers seat in a relationship? And when and when should they not be?

Dr. Cotsen: How about that? A woman in the driving seat in a relationship and a man in the driving seat for the bedroom. That seems to be the classic way most couples go. When should it not go that way? Well, when the two of you think that working out different roles works best for you. In that case don't feel like you have to adhere to conventional roles. Sometimes it may work out best for the man to drive the relationship and the woman to drive the bedroom. So get your motors running and head out on the highway!

Taf: How do people learn to stop repeating negative patterns in their life?

Dr. Cotsen: This can be a very challenging thing to do. And a lot of people will seek professional help from a therapist in order to help them become aware of negative patterns in their life and help them figure out how to change these patterns. If you do try this at home, keep in mind truly the first step is to become aware of your negative pattern. Next, keep in mind that you probably have powerful forces driving your negative patterns so that you should aim to work with these forces in order to alter and improve your patterns, because it's generally not possible to completely erase your patterns and replace them with new patterns that just come out of a vacuum.

Whattimeisit: Do you think having phone sex as well as cyber sex is considered being unfaithful?

Dr. Cotsen: Very good question and very relevant to tonight's show. Clearly Miranda thought that having phone sex was unfaithful! I think that ideally each couple should work out which borderline behaviors, such as cyber sex and phone sex, they consider to be unfaithful. Although, as I think through the reality of having a spouse or partner having cyber sex or phone sex with someone else, I would have to imagine that most people would have a problem with it and consider it to be unfaithful. Perhaps the idea of trying to excite someone outside of your relationship crosses the line of what most of what most of us consider to be unfaithful.

Waterlogged: How do you know when it's the right time to commit to someone?

Dr. Cotsen: Well that's really one of the more important questions in a relationship and in life. Commitment, in this context, generally means getting engaged to someone or promising him or her that you will spend the rest of your life with that person. It's really a very deep question. That's why Charlotte was so disappointed when Trey asked her to marry him, asked her with very little forethought. All he had to do was to feel her fingers stroking his wrist. I would say that the right time to commit to someone is after you've thought about whether your boyfriend or girlfriend is the person that you enjoy being with the most and whether you feel that this love for them is likely to last over the years. If you feel positive on both these counts then the time is right.

Starrgrrl: How could Carrie say, "I love you" to Aidan right after sleeping with Big? Is it just guilt speaking?

Dr. Cotsen: It wasn't clear on tonight's show whether Carrie was speaking out of guilt or love or both! I don't believe that having had sex outside your relationship automatically and categorically means that you do not love your partner. Sometimes it means that and sometimes it doesn't. In Carrie's case sleeping with Mr. Big seems to be more about impulsively giving into his sex appeal but in no way caring more for him, wanting a life with him, or in short loving him any more than Aidan.

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