Sex and the City-Shrink Talk

HBO presents

September 13, 2000

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VirtualMirage: What do you recommend for suggestions on spicing up an older relationship ? Trips and dinners for two just don't seem to do it anymore.

Dr. Cotsen: In order to spice things up, it would be a good idea to break out of your old routines. So I would challenge each person in the relationship to come up with a few brand new ideas for the two of you to explore together. Use your imagination, and try to accept any ideas that involve passionate feelings or true enthusiasm.

Careful: Do you feel that the girls' concerns about the way they sleep around came up a little late in the game? What the heck were they thinking ?

Dr. Cotsen: I don't know if the girls' concerns about sexually transmitted diseases have come up late or in a timely manner, given the light-hearted tone of the show. Nevertheless, Ms. Careful, I am very pleased to see that these very realistic and important concerns have come up and are being covered, especially by a show titled, "SEX and the City." I would very much like to see an episode that playfully covers the topic of safe sex and condom use. After all, aren't condoms every bit as colorful and fun as dildos?!

SurferGuy: Why is it that women seem to hide their true selves from men while we are dating them?

Dr. Cotsen: Gnarly, dude! I don't know if I agree with your premise, so it's hard for me to come up with an explanation for it. Nonetheless, I would say that a lot of people of both genders may hide their true selves while dating, because they are afraid of being rejected. One pitfall that people fall into is that of trying to be, or pretending to be, the person that they think the guy or girl that they are dating wants. That is, pretending to be someone you're not so that you can win over the person that you want. Unfortunately, that kind of victory is very short-lived, because you cannot keep pretending year after year.

Curiosity: Even though Carrie puts up a bold front, she seems to be hiding the fact that she is fairly self-conscious. What kind of a relationship could she find happiness in with self-doubt looming in the background?

Dr. Cotsen: Well, I certainly wouldn't recommend a relationship with Matthew McConaughey! I'm not sure that she could find happiness in a relationship until she starts to get a better handle on her self-doubt, because first of all, it will cause her to second-guess her taste in men the way she started to second-guess her happiness with Aidan. If she can get over some of her self-doubt, then her self-consciousness may be soothed by being with a man who can make her feel more relaxed and warmly accepted when she expresses herself.

Angy: Is there any way of teaching a boyfriend good listening skills without sending him off for Interpersonal Communications classes?

Dr. Cotsen: Angy, I imagine that there are probably 50 million women and a significant number of men in America asking the exact same question. What I would recommend is to try an exercise in which you and he take turns purely listening to each other for five minutes, without saying anything except for asking for clarification when you don't understand what the other person is saying. Now that means having to bite your tongue for a few minutes, but this is one of the keys to developing good listening skills. Keep in mind, however, that the person who's talking cannot use the 'microphone' in any harmful or malicious way. Try it out, and let me know how it goes when you tune in next week.

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